240! Is this for real?

I'm leaving for the hockey game (Go AMS!) in 30 so I'll make this brief.

Yesterday I was 241.8. Today when I weighed in before my shower it said I was 240. I was skeptical so I weighed myself twice. Again, 240. I'm so happy. I can't tell if it's because I purged my dinner, exercised all night/this morning or both.

Either way, I need to keep this up. Nothing in my stomach until this evening.
Walking around should put me in the negatives. I hope. I don't want to go back up after finally seeing 240.

Wish me luck.

- fair winds

Chamomile tea why do you fail me?

I filled half of a Voss water bottle with it and it barely helped me tire myself let alone sleep for more than twenty minutes. This is what I get for sleeping at my boyfriend's house yesterday, he always lets me sleep in for hours over when I'm actually supposed to wake up.

So I'm going to get this off of my chest (not that it's a big secret) because I think I'm actually being driven crazy over it right now. I have a hockey game I'm going to around 6:30pm, which is great, except for the stadium food that I'm going to be expected to eat. It's all so disgusting. Scratch that. Its fucking delicious but it's so bad for you. Things are deep fried, everything has salt and don't even get me started on the grease factor.

I'll actually be arriving in the city the stadium is in around 3pm (it's about an hour drive) and then I'll be tagging along with my family while they do some shopping and shoe exchanging in the mall. So I guess 3 1/2 hours of walking won't be terrible. That's about 823 (according to Fitclick) calories worth of walking alone but that doesn't make me feel any better about eating the stadium food.. at that point I would be burning all of those calories just the shove them right back down my throat.

Maybe since I know sleeping isn't going to be a thing (I'll just nap in the car) I'll do as much exercising as I can here at home before I have to shower and get ready, then with those burned calories coupled with the calories I'll be burning walking all day I should have burned enough that eating the stadium food will keep me in the safe zone. Well. Maybe not the safe zone. But at least I won't be sweating grease.

When I come home I'll just do some more exercises before (probably) going over to Lucas's house.
I really hope this all works out.. I just want to keep losing this weight. I'm tired of being a pig.
I won't be one for much longer. By the end of 2016 I'm going to be the most beautiful bitch around. I will write that shit in blood.

Fuck it. Off to do crunches while I watch Courage the Cowardly Dog <3

P.S~! Fitclick.com is an awesome site if you're ever curious about what things burn how many calories. It takes it your height and weight so it's actually accurate for YOUR body. Check it out c:

It happened. It wasn't fun.

It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. I was expecting cramps and choking but it all came up fairly easy (thank you water).
What gave my brain some serious chills though was that I counted how many times I actually threw up. 8.

It isnt a ridiculous number. That's pretty basic. What bothers me is that I actually fucking counted. I'm worried but calm. I'm worried because of how easily I slipped back into the habit of counting but I feel relieved that my dinner, at least most of it, is out of my body and into the toilet. Before heading to the bathroom I threw away the last three bites, I guess I thought that if I couldn't get all of it out that I could at least limit how much I had actually eaten. I'm proud of myself for not finishing it.

It's for the best, I suppose. I have to hit the sack a little earlier tonight. I'm heading out to a Hockey game with my family tomorrow and we're leaving around 2pm to do some mini shopping/exchanging at the mall. I'm going to have a rice cake before we leave (or just on the way there) and not eat anything until we get to the stadium where I know I'll be expected to eat something (stupid fucking fat stadium food). At least we'll be walking around all day. It's an hour drive and the game doesn't start until 6:30 so I'm okay with 3 1/2 hours worth of walking calories.

I think tonight my 'dessert' is going to be Nyquil. Go me.

I hope everyone had a better day than me. Remember to stay strong.

- fair winds

I think I'm going to purge tonight.

It's been almost two years since I've purged and I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself do it again but I dont know what else to do. I exercise every day and my whole body is so sore than I can barely stand up and sit back down. The exercise I did do today doesn't even cover the dinner I ate and if I don't purge it I will have a net calorie intake of 1,015. I can't do that. I cannot under any circumstances let this happen.

I'm going to drink a lot of water with my dinner and immediately go throw it up.
The longer I let this sit in my stomach the fatter I'm going to get. I'll make an update after the deed is done.

241.8

To you that's probably so much weight you would shoot yourself over.
To me that's a holy fuck moment.

Let me explain. Back in 2012 when I left the site something happened and I had developed PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). This led me out of my right might entirely and I wound up doing a lot of stupid things that I'm not proud of and don't care to look back on. What i'm getting at is that I had wind up going for someone I shouldn't have and I got my heart broken. It sent me into a spiraling depression and I stopped caring about myself or my body all together. Sigh. I hate myself for this. I began to gain more and more weight over the years and that put me at my highest weight which is 245lbs. Recently I finally got back into the swing of things and you would not believe how relieving it is to see that '1' there. I've been staring at the scale for two days just waiting for '242' to turn into '241' and it finally happened.

There is so much more work to be done. Coming back from the holidays is always such a bitch but I KNOW I can do this.I'm back on my way to not being a fucking cow anymore. I will get smaller, I will be beautiful, I will be thin and I will be perfect.

 

Looks like I'm back on Blospot.

I've been gone long enough to forget that I even had a Blogspot. Go me lol.
I don't think I ever had enough followers to remember who I am but in the beginning of 2012 I made a blog under the URL: "killtheobsession". This blog's main purpose was to be my outlet for my eating disorder (though at the time everything had barely started). I was smaller then, not small but smaller. I didn't remember anything until I had read my posts. I only had two comments from people on my entire blog and I remember that they were wonderful and supportive.

My name is Alexis, sometimes I'm called Alexz. I'm twenty three and I have more than a few problems. 

For whatever reason I left and I wound up making a Tumblr in early 2013. On and off I had a handful of Eating Disorder based blogs and most of them (I have 2 remaining) have been reported and taken down. I guess I've come back so that I can record my journey online without feeling judged by every post I make. I'm tired of being labeled as terrible things simply because I'm different. I left my food diary at my house but I plan on snapping pictured of certain pages and entering in everything I find important. I hope this experience brings me comfort in my habits.

- Fair winds