I died for a little while

Hoooooly shit. I don't know why but for a while I had absolutely no desire to even touch this blog and I think it had to do with some drama I was dealing with.

Funnily enough, drama is what brought me back here lol

I stopped being friends with someone who was my best friend and it gave me the opportunity to creep back into this life and oh my GOD I feel so free. She's one of those fat girls who spends all of her money on food and tells everyone her 'curves' are beautiful but then cries to her friends about men not wanting her because of how fat she is.

I mean I think we've all been there but at least we aren't body positivity activists??? I'm not going to turn this into a rant about her but I WILL say that I'm so happy to be back to sticking to myself and happily restricting.

Last time I made an entry on this blog I was yo-yoing between 228 and 230lbs. I got down to 210 and then started hanging out with that friend more and I wound up gaining all of that back... Now I'm down to 220.8 and I fucking hate myself. I had a panic attack earlier over 20g of Doritos -_-

I can't promise that I'll be super active on this blog at this point but it's part of my life again so we'll see?

New Keyboard&Mouse !!!

I'm not in the mood to write a massive paragraph but I'll update you guys on what's happened.
Kind of.

Well I'm at 225.
Joined a pro ana kik group.
Seeing a dietitian now.
Seeing her tomorrow and she wants me to give her my food journal.

LOL should be fun.

I feel so bad for my laptop. I'm also going crazy not posting on my blog.

So shortly after the last post I made I wound up spilling chai all over my keyboard and until now (I'm borrowing a keyboard) I haven't been able to even sign into my computer.
So to the few of you that follow me: I'm not dead!:D

My eating has been fluctuating but it's become quite managable. The stationary bike is still screwy but I may be getting an elipticle soon and I'm so stoked for it!

I did my measurements today and since the end of January I've lost an inch on my thigh and half an inch on my waist. It's not a lot but I'm really happy about it. I'm not really seeing the results but the measuring tape doesn't lie so at least I have that to look up to.

I've been at a steady 227-228 lately (except for today because I'm bloated as hell, I think i'm at 230 lol) and it makes me happy. Lowly but surely I'll be down to 220, then 210, then 200. The number is going to keep dropping if it kills me.

I'm getting back into the Purging habit and it's scaring me.

I already have heart palpitations (from purging in the past i'm sure) and still every time I feel full I want to run to the bathroom to go "shower". I'm worried that Its going to get bad again.

I woke up from a nap after being baked off of my ass and the first thing I did was shove a bunch of garlic bread in my mouth and now I'm so full that I'm sick. I'm drinking a bunch of water and when I'm finished with it I'm probably going to go "take a shower"..

I keep saying every time afterwards "That's the last time". But it's never the last time:/

I seriously need to get my charger port fixed.

I hate that I'm not updating this as often as I did, sometimes I have anxiety over it.
Well as a mini update, I'm still fat. Shocker. I've been stuck bouncing back and forth from 229.7 to 232.4 (which Is likely because of sodium, i haven't been drinking as much water.) and it's annoying the hell out of me. I need to stop forgetting to drink water. Ever since my Voss bottles got fucked up I haven't been drinking as much water, I guess it's because the water isn't next to me all day to remind me "Yo you need this to live" and so I'm retaining as much sodium as I can.

Unfortunately it's a little difficult to escape sodium all together.
Lately I've been drinking just tea with stevia when I'm hungry, i've cut out the honey powder because somehow I get anxious over the extra 15 calories.

Ugh. I'm too stoned today to eat nothing. I've eaten a small banana today along with my Blackberry Green tea and so as of now (4:08pm) I've consumed 90 calories. It's not bad. I want to wait until 6 before I make my soup (64) so that by then I've only eaten 154 calories and it could be worse. I'm going to have a weigh in at the doctor's office next week and I want to weight at least 227.5 by then. I'm thinking about having a tea fast on Wednesday. Or even tomorrow.

ALSO.
I lost my EBT card last week while I was in Weston and I've had no healthy food in this house. It's back to eating what the rest of the house buys and it's been fucking me up so bad. There's no veggies and I just ate the last piece of fruit and I have to wait another 3-5 days until I get my card back.

Yippy.

Leap years make me want to binge

Turns out today won't happen for another 4 years and my brain and my stomach are working against me with this fact. My brain says "Today is just like any other day and you need to not be an idiot.". My stomach says "Eat literally everything because fuck it. Today doesn't even exist. The bike upstairs is getting fixed and you can just get on at 8 and ride till 11."

I don't know what to do. I haven't binged in a while and I'm so proud for that. Sometimes my dinners aren't as great as I'd like them to be (i just need to stop going to Lucas's house) but every other choice has been good. Like today it's 3:15 and I've eaten 100 calories. Ugh.. Honestly I want a quesadilla, waffles, eggs, a fruit smoothie... And some pasta roni. All of this will wind up being well over 1000 calories and I'm not going to ear it all but holy fuck I want my forbidden foods SO FUCKING BAD.
Maybe if I write it all down I wont want it as bad.

Quesadilla = 577 calories
Waffles = 195 calories
Scrambled Eggs = 364
Fruit Smoothie with 1% milk = Around 300.

If I indulge in everything I want I'll consume 1436 calories. 
Nope. I may eat a Quesadilla but afterwards I'm throwing it up. Good thing I have some diet coke to help me <3

Food Log 2/28/16

Breakfast:-Ana Soup (62)

Snack:
-2 Caramel Rice Cakes (100)

= 162

Lunch:
-Green Tea w/ Honey (15)

= 177

Dinner:
Chicken Caesar Salad (230)
Caramel Rice Cake (50)

= 457
______

Last night was so horrible.. It started out really calming and normal, and for a food day it was great. I didn't eat anything until around 9pm. I was supposed to eat dinner around 7pm but shit exploded at my boyfriend's house.. My boyfriend's brother came home plastered (this is nothing new) and he was apparently in a really bad mood but didn't show it what so ever so I made a comment that got taken very very badly. One thing led to another and suddenly "Your girlfriend is a fat fucking cunt" was shouted all throughout the house.. I said I wasn't bothered by it but holy shit whenever I even think about food I hear his voice in my head and I want to break down and cry..

Who knows. Maybe this is my new motivation.. Idk. It doesn't even feel like motivation.
Putting down any food is what makes his voice leave my head.. On the bright side: Lucas beat the shit out of him.
Still hurts, though. I'll show that asshole. I'll show all of them.