1/31/16 Food log.

I'm kind of enjoying keeping the online food diary. My hand doesn't cramp if I'm just typing lol
I don't think I'll do this from now on but I might make a habit out of it. 
This will be updated throughout the day.

10:35am
Breakfast: 2 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (70)
[Drinking some weird Yogi tea that helps for weight loss. Fingers crossed. ]

2:30pm
Lunch: Fat Ana Soup (80)

Dinner:

Snacks:

Exercises:
- 90 calories (apparently singing for a straight hour burns around 100 calories but sometimes I had to change the song so I put down 90)

I almost made a trip to the ER last night

I'm used to some lightheadedness. I'm even used to needing to sit down lest I want to pass out on the floor.
However.

I am not used to laying in my boyfriends bed covering my whole face in the dark like I have a migraine because despite my sobriety, the room won't stop spinning. When I had gone over to his house  I had a low net intake and then I ate my dinner, I figured that the earlier dizziness would subside because being a little floaty in the evenings is pretty normal at this point.

Lucas was laying in bed with me and out of nowhere he asked me if I had felt like this prior to my 'diet'. Fuck. Well now I don't get his support. Obviously I tell him no and he sits up and tells me that it's likely my blood sugar and I need to eat something so he gets up and brings me a cliff bar.. In itself it's 270 calories, 90 of them are from fat and there were 16 fucking grams of sugar in it. I wanted to cry but I was informed that if I didn't then I was going to the ER and I really needed feel like experiencing ANY of that..

So it looks like I need to be more careful. My breakfast today was chopped up strawberries with sprinkled cane sugar on top (32ish). Take THAT blood sugar.

I'm going to make 'Fat Ana Soup' when I get home. Which is not very different except for it's a few more baby carrots and there's another egg. My scare made me wind up eating much more than I wanted to and I hate myself because yesterday I had lost another pound.. I cried tears of joy and I probably just threw that out the window. I've been waiting so long to see that 7 and the second I do I eat more food. I hate this. I'm not stopping, I'll just watch my sugar intake more from now on.

I'm in Weston and I don't have my food journal with me.

Caramel Cube - 39 calories. (Wow never doing that again)

Green tea w/ tbsp Honey & Truvia - 60 calories

Metabolic water - 20 calories

= 119 calories by 10:00am

It's only 12:10 and I'm getting hunger pains. The worst part is that in Allison's room there is a huge mirror in front of her bed and all I can do is stare at my fat. I feel ugly and gross and it makes me want to go run a mile but it's windy, cold as fuck and raining and she would probably find it a little weird. I wish I was home so I could just make my Ana soup. I'm chugging water and tea like there's no tomorrow.

12:19pm: Good news, I'll be back in Pendleton by 2 and then I can make my soup. So 168 by around 3 (It's about a 20-30 minutes drive and then count in the time to prepare and make the soup) is actually pretty good. I have a little less anxiety now.

-

1/2 Blended Pumpkin Spice Frap (190) [Should have asked for something sugar free]
Ana Soup (43)
Mixed Berries&Stevia [Straw-8-Black-10-Blue-42] (calories, not pieces)

= 408 calories by 3:30pm
- 40 (from walking)
- 8 (from squats)
- 14 (from jogging in place)
- 11 (from marching in place while Allison was in the shower)

= 335 by 4:44pm.

Not as good as yesterday but it could be worse.

Now left with 365 calories for dinner.

6:10pm: 1 Buttered Popcorn Ricecake (35) - 330 left

Chow Mein beef teriyaki (520) -190

 My goal today was 700kcal. I could stay at 890 (FUCK NO) or I could work it off in small ways.
Or even better I could just purge it and tell Lucas that I'm not feeling well. I may not puke it all up but I can at least get rid of 190 calories worth of bullshit.

If I hadnt let myself become such a whale then 890 calories wouldn't even be that bad but unfortunately I am indeed a whale. 

Also: NEVER EAT A BIG AZ BURGER AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S LIKE 860 CALORIES AND THAT'S JUST A BIG FAT FUCK NO 

Today was such a good calorie day!

And an awesome day in general! Before the calorie day I want to express my super happiness and proudness to the entire freaking nation right now.

There's been a tag trending called #YoungmanonEllen and it's for my old spanish teacher from my high school who's been diagnosed with cancer for the third time and all she's wanted to do is get on Ellen to spread the word of kindness towards others (I know it brings a tear to my eye lol) and today on the news it was said that the tag had finally made it to Ellen's producer and 'contact is being made'

I'm so happy.

EVER MORE FOR THE HAPPINESS: MY NET INTAKE TODAY IS 373 <3

I've done so well today, I'm so happy. Thank the lord for Ana Soup. (What I've decided to name that soup in my previous post)

Now I get to head off to Weston with Allison and probably game out and watch anime. Thankfully she knows about my eating habits so she doesn't try to feed me like everyone else does.

FUCK YES <3

My only worry is that I'll also be around her friend Holly who is so skinny.. I just have a feeling that I'm going to get really self conscious and suddenly my 373 calories are going to feel like way too much. Sigh... Wish me luck.

Okay guys seriously try this soup.

It's my new favourite everything. It's low calorie and actually filling.
Downside, there's a sodium problem, upside, other than the sodium it's actually really healthy.

- 1 1/4 cups of water
- 1 chopped medium celery stalk (6)
- 4 to 5 chopped baby carrots (16 - 20)
- 1 sliced egg white (17)
- 1 TSP "Better than Bouillon" beef or chicken broth (10)

Put water on the stove and start chopping the veggies so that when the soup is done they're nice and soft.
When the water starts simmering add the broth and put all of the veggies in plus the sliced egg white. You can add the yolk as well but doing so will add a lot more calories. One egg alone is more calories than the entire soup without. So add at your own risk.

Then just let everything soak and simmer and boom! Super tasty filling low cal soup♡

 

A list of healthy calories!

Just a list of foods I tend to eat, either raw or in a meal (lol. Meal). I always forget and have to keep looking it up so I thought it'd just make a post. <3 This is basically everything in my kitchen lol

Celery - 6 calories per medium stalk

Carrots -  25 calories per medium sized carrot

Baby Carrots - 4 calories each

1 Boiled Egg - 78 calories

1 Boiled Egg White - 17 calories

Mandarin Orange - 37 calories each

Large Orange - 86 calories

Small Orange - 45 calories

Raw Honey - 60 calories per TBSP

Powder Honey - 15 calories per TSP

Large Apple - 116 calories

Medium Apple -  95

Better Than Bouillon - 10 calories per TSP (High in Sodium)

Green Tea - 0 calories

Rice Cakes - Most are 35 calories. Can go up to 50.

Blind calories are of the devil.

I'm too anxious to write a huge entry about the evil of blind calories but I just wanted to throw it out to the world that they're horrible and evil and not okay. I ate 4 peppermint pretzel sticks and according to google they could be anywhere between 130 and 190 calories each. That is an entire day's intake worth and THEN SOME. I'm drinking a green tea right now that only has 15 calories in it and right now 15 calories actually seems like so much that I just want to cry.

I need to do exercise. I hate that I don't have the money to go to the gym and I hate even more that there is NO exercise equipment in my house. I'm freaking out.

Nothing important, I just love this thinspo.

I saw it for maybe 20 seconds before I decided I needed to post it.
She's so flawless and beautiful and that outfit is adorable. Her legs are so thin and her collar bones are perfect.

My eating disorder is my biggest enemy.

But not for why you might think.

Whenever I tell myself or write in my journal that I'm going to stop eating and start exercising I begin to experience extreme hunger even if I had just eaten a decent meal within' the hour (my current situation). I believe it's anxiety and not real hunger, honestly. As soon as my brain starts realizing "Shit I don't get to indulge anymore" it starts having a panic attack and tricks me into craving food that I know I could easily go without.

My body is actually throwing a tantrum when I tell it it can't eat (as much) anymore and it's ridiculous. It gets to the point where chewing gum makes me feel ravenous and I'm so tired of it. I don't even know how to use strength to fight this. I know passed this point is where I become trained and strong but I never know how I manage to get passed my body's anxiety.

My stomach acts like it's fucking 12.

I'm starting to slip again

I had an accidental binge and now It's put me into a downward spiral of food, laziness and lard.
I haven't been exercising as much lately, all I've really been doing is tracking my steps and other small things. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know shopping burned an extra 200 calories but at the same time I've been so upset with myself because I know that I could be doing so much more to better my body.

What's worse is that since I was up for 30 hours all I've been doing is sleeping. I can't keep myself awake no matter how well I sleep or how long I sleep and it's seriously cutting into my work out will power. It stops me from eating because i'm not conscious but that shouldn't be an excuse to just keep sleeping.

I really wish my blog was more public.. I need help. I need advice and I need encouragement. Julie (My Ana buddy) is wonderful at what she does but the time zone differences can be a little hindering at random hours of the day/night and there isn't anyone in my life that really supports what I do. I have friends that know I'm on a diet but they don't know how extreme it is. Today I had Broccoli, Chicken and Potato soup, a green tea Peace Tea and then later on I had two grilled Quesadillas. Nothing additional. Just cheese in a flower tortilla. My fitness app told me that was far too much for my day because of the quesadillas (I already know my sodium intake went out the window) but I thought I did kind of okay since I had really only eaten twice.

I guess that means that my brain is going back to it's old ways and it's starting to think that what i'm doing is okay when it's not. I should only be eating very VERY low calorie foods and mainly just water. It's easy after 3 days so I can get back in the swing of things but I can't believe one binge could be so devastating to a diet. I need to start writing everything down again. If I can write down the disgusting lard that I ate then maybe it can start becoming real again and I can knock my bullshit off.

I just want to be thin..

My scale broke.

I have two scales but the other one isn't digital and it's usually about 5 pounds or so off and so I'm always unsure about what my weight actually is.

I stepped on my digital scale and the first thing it showed was 250. Well I know I'm definitely not 250 and then it jumped to 'Err'. So I step on it again and it jumps from 230 to 245 and then another 'Err'. Then a third time I step on and it says 241 then immediately 'Err's'. Kill me.

My scale finally crapped out and now I don't know what to do. Weight loss is going to me a massive mound of anxiety until I can get the money for a new one.

My lack of sleeping is destroying my life.

30 hours.
I was awake for 30 hours.

My boyfriend let me sleep until 6pm so I couldn't get close to wanting to sleep until 11am. Then I found out my cousin from Idaho was coming over today so I had to stay awake and see her otherwise I would just get yelled at. Then by the time everyone left it was 2pm so I think "Okay I have 2 hours before Alyssa(my friend) comes over I can totally nap." but whenever I almost fell asleep I got this huge head rush and I didn't fall asleep until 10 minutes before my 4pm alarm went off. Then when Alyssa came over to catch up time completely got away from us and she didn't leave/I couldn't get to Lucas's until 12 and for whatever reason I couldn't sleep until 2am.

Know what's worse? My body craved food for energy at this point and I just kept eating. I felt like such a whale. I'm so fucking fat and gross what is my fucking problem. I just want to get thin, why is that so fucking wrong? Why can't I be happy, too?!

And of course I slept for HOURS and it's 10:30pm and I'm of course not fucking tired. I also have an appointment at noon tomorrow and now I'm going to be exhausted again.

I hate myself right now. And from being up for 30 fucking hours my entire body is in pain because I didnt give it a break.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Kandi makes for some awesome distraction.

A little more about the Green Tea Goddess, aka. Alex♡

Right next to playing video games, my favourite hobby is raving and I am a huge raver. Pun intended. Not only that, I'm also a kandi kid. To those of you who don't really know what a kandi kid is or even what kandi is: feel free to google it.♡

I recently started doing something called a Plur Package (again, google it) for my friend Brandon in celebration of his restart to raving. Of course I wanted to make it amazing so I decided to make him a black/glow in the dark bio-hazard kandi gas mask. Yes it's as complicated as it sounds, kind of, it's really not that hard. If anything it's extremely time consuming which is AWESOME when you need to distract yourself from food and that's exactly what I've been doing. (The Percocet up my nose is a nice helper, too.)

I haven't weighed myself lately. Why? Because faulty scales are why I have trust issues. My boyfriend's digital glass scale last night read 236.6 and I'm looking at it like.. No.. No I'm not. And then a couple days ago the digital scale at my house said I was 239 (I had a binge...) so I don't know what to believe. I'm going to fast for 18 hours and after I go to the bathroom I'm going to weigh myself on both scales and see what they read.

Till then,

- fair winds 

New rule: Don't tell someone you're hungry.

I finally decided it was time to put a little bit of food in my belly, remember those frozen dinners? One was 720 calories and the other one was only 300 but it had over 600mg of sodium. I decided those were a no go (I have no idea how much sodium was in the potato wedges.) so Lucas decided to try and look for something I could eat and progressivly got more frustrated with me because I was coming off as the food wasn't good enough. So I started to feel like shit and settled with just boiling two eggs with a little bit of Salt and Pepper (156) because that seemed like a better choice if I was absolutely going to eat. At least I had the protein.

I'm not saying that Lucas had no right to be frustrated. I was being difficult with the whole food problem but the whole thing could have been avoided if I just hadn't said anything about being hungry. I could have just chugged the Voss water bottle full of my metabolic water and I would have felt equally as full. Instead I decided to bring up food and it turned into a bigger deal than it needed to be..

Looks like that's another reason to just forget about food. It saves you from having drama when there didn't need to be any.

Also I put too much pepper on my eggs and now my tongue is on fire.
I consider this punishment for being fat in the first place.

My birth control tricked me into a binge.

Don't misunderstand. I take full responsibility of my fat habit but some of the blame goes to my randomly fucking up birth control.

I take the Depo shot every few months and I've been on and off of it since I was 18 (23 now) and sometimes it's known to cause a lot of bleeding (some people are just unlucky). I personally had never had that problem, ever, until recently. The passed two days I had been experiencing a lot of dizziness and I was convinced that I was going to pass the fuck out every 10 minutes or so. So every time I felt like that (usually later at night for some reason) I had assumed that my blood sugar was dangerously low so of course my first thought is: "I need to eat something with sugar in it." so two nights in a row I had consumed candy and sweets. Then when it wasnt working still I tarted to get really worried and I called the nurse at the health department. She fucking told me that I was light headed because my body wasn't used to the spotting I had apparently been doing and it had NOTHING to do with my blood sugar.

Now I'm back up to 239 and I'm so fucking mad. Afterwards all I wanted to do was cry because I couldn't handle the thought of me gaining a pound when I didn't even need to. I stuffed my fat fucking mouth with sugar and artificial flavoring because I was scared and now I'm up another pound. So today when I went home from my boyfriend's house I didn't eat anything until dinner.

5 potato wedges, baked, home made, no additives = 200ish (Im guessing)

Now I'm back at my boyfriend's and his mom told us there were two frozen dinners in the freezer saved for us so I've been counting every single calorie I could possible burn (Just burned off another 25 from squats♡) so that if I am required to eat then it wont be detrimental. I just want to get on with my week and get back to losing weight like I'm fucking supposed to. Who knows? I could have been down to 236 if I hadn't spent Saturday and Sunday stuffing my face like a pig.

Way to be, Alexis. You're gonna go far, kid.

I'm about to have a fucking panic attack.

I wanted to go for a walk around the high school track a few times (It's open to the public on weekends) so my boyfriend went with me. It's 19 degrees outside right now though so he got really cold and we only wound up going around the track once.. That's only six minutes of walking (I timed it) and I didn't even burn off 30 calories.. I would have kept walking without him but he's the one with the car so we stopped early.

Then afterwards he wanted to go to Sorbenots (It's a coffee place in Oregon. Kind of like Starbucks but it's actually good) and so I got a sugar-free iced chai tea.. I have no idea how many calories are in it and my calorie tracker app doesn't have it on the list because Sorbenots isn't a well known place. There's only 4 of them in the entire state and they're only in Oregon. Usually I can handle a few blind calories but today I just couldn't take it. I was sitting in the car trying not to cry because I didn't want to gain more weight. I've been doing so well and I don't want to fuck that up. I only have a month to fit into my green skirt to wear to Radcon this year and I can't afford to just consume blind calories. And of fucking course the only treadmill in the house is in his mom's room and it would be weird if I was just walking/jogging for hours while she sat on her computer. We're close enough that it wouldn't be weird to her but I just feel so self conscious.

Soon I'll have a bike upstairs (the one with the fancy reclined seats) so I can burn some serious extra calories but for today I'm terrified. What if I get back on the scale and it says I went back to 239? I was so proud of my 238. I just want to get down to 237.. That's the next number I want to see.

I won't eat tonight. That's the only thing I can do to balance this bullshit out. Tomorrow I have a Skyrim&Tea date with my friend Kaiden and she isn't much of an eater either so I can get away with not eating while she's over without her asking questions. Plus I get to play Skyrim with PWI with a friend so that's something to look forward to..

Sigh. Why do I have to be such a whale...?

I decided to be overly brave and weigh myself before bed.

And not on an empty stomach.

It was a wonderful idea. I weighed in at 239! I'm 9 pounds from my first goal weight!
I'm so excited that I could explode. I was 245 on Sunday. That 6 pounds in 6 days!

GAH!

Well it was almost a good calorie day.

I almost wrote "It was almost a good day" but I felt the need to rephrase. Today was fairly decent and lazy. Mainly just napping and playing video games with my boyfriend.

Here's what my food journal says:

Breakfast: -

Lunch:

• 1/3 Green Tear Peace Tea (50)

Dinner:

• 1 Lightly Salted rice cake (35)
• 1 Apple Cinnamon rice cake (50)
• Bourbon Chicken Hungry Man dinner (600)

(As of right now)
Burned off calories: 270

Overall intake = 465

That sounds good and looks even better but I feel so fat today. I can't stand it. I'm fighting every will in my body to purge the dinner since I didn't eat it very long ago. Less than an hour.
I want to go on a walk and burn off some of this fat I just consumed but it's a whopping 20 degrees outside and I don't have enough layers to even make it remotely comfortable. Not to mention my area at night isn't very welcoming to a girl by herself. Or maybe it's too welcoming. Either way, it's a no go.

I found a fun aerobics dance work out that's supposed to go for 30 minutes but I wind up hurting myself by 15. I have NO balance lol I am the queen of clumsy. But any exercise is better than no exercise and I have some whale blubber to burn off.

- fair winds