I'm about to have a fucking panic attack.

I wanted to go for a walk around the high school track a few times (It's open to the public on weekends) so my boyfriend went with me. It's 19 degrees outside right now though so he got really cold and we only wound up going around the track once.. That's only six minutes of walking (I timed it) and I didn't even burn off 30 calories.. I would have kept walking without him but he's the one with the car so we stopped early.

Then afterwards he wanted to go to Sorbenots (It's a coffee place in Oregon. Kind of like Starbucks but it's actually good) and so I got a sugar-free iced chai tea.. I have no idea how many calories are in it and my calorie tracker app doesn't have it on the list because Sorbenots isn't a well known place. There's only 4 of them in the entire state and they're only in Oregon. Usually I can handle a few blind calories but today I just couldn't take it. I was sitting in the car trying not to cry because I didn't want to gain more weight. I've been doing so well and I don't want to fuck that up. I only have a month to fit into my green skirt to wear to Radcon this year and I can't afford to just consume blind calories. And of fucking course the only treadmill in the house is in his mom's room and it would be weird if I was just walking/jogging for hours while she sat on her computer. We're close enough that it wouldn't be weird to her but I just feel so self conscious.

Soon I'll have a bike upstairs (the one with the fancy reclined seats) so I can burn some serious extra calories but for today I'm terrified. What if I get back on the scale and it says I went back to 239? I was so proud of my 238. I just want to get down to 237.. That's the next number I want to see.

I won't eat tonight. That's the only thing I can do to balance this bullshit out. Tomorrow I have a Skyrim&Tea date with my friend Kaiden and she isn't much of an eater either so I can get away with not eating while she's over without her asking questions. Plus I get to play Skyrim with PWI with a friend so that's something to look forward to..

Sigh. Why do I have to be such a whale...?