Leap years make me want to binge

Turns out today won't happen for another 4 years and my brain and my stomach are working against me with this fact. My brain says "Today is just like any other day and you need to not be an idiot.". My stomach says "Eat literally everything because fuck it. Today doesn't even exist. The bike upstairs is getting fixed and you can just get on at 8 and ride till 11."

I don't know what to do. I haven't binged in a while and I'm so proud for that. Sometimes my dinners aren't as great as I'd like them to be (i just need to stop going to Lucas's house) but every other choice has been good. Like today it's 3:15 and I've eaten 100 calories. Ugh.. Honestly I want a quesadilla, waffles, eggs, a fruit smoothie... And some pasta roni. All of this will wind up being well over 1000 calories and I'm not going to ear it all but holy fuck I want my forbidden foods SO FUCKING BAD.
Maybe if I write it all down I wont want it as bad.

Quesadilla = 577 calories
Waffles = 195 calories
Scrambled Eggs = 364
Fruit Smoothie with 1% milk = Around 300.

If I indulge in everything I want I'll consume 1436 calories. 
Nope. I may eat a Quesadilla but afterwards I'm throwing it up. Good thing I have some diet coke to help me <3

Food Log 2/28/16

Breakfast:-Ana Soup (62)

Snack:
-2 Caramel Rice Cakes (100)

= 162

Lunch:
-Green Tea w/ Honey (15)

= 177

Dinner:
Chicken Caesar Salad (230)
Caramel Rice Cake (50)

= 457
______

Last night was so horrible.. It started out really calming and normal, and for a food day it was great. I didn't eat anything until around 9pm. I was supposed to eat dinner around 7pm but shit exploded at my boyfriend's house.. My boyfriend's brother came home plastered (this is nothing new) and he was apparently in a really bad mood but didn't show it what so ever so I made a comment that got taken very very badly. One thing led to another and suddenly "Your girlfriend is a fat fucking cunt" was shouted all throughout the house.. I said I wasn't bothered by it but holy shit whenever I even think about food I hear his voice in my head and I want to break down and cry..

Who knows. Maybe this is my new motivation.. Idk. It doesn't even feel like motivation.
Putting down any food is what makes his voice leave my head.. On the bright side: Lucas beat the shit out of him.
Still hurts, though. I'll show that asshole. I'll show all of them.

I have no self discipline and I kind of hate myself.

For the passed two days I've done nothing but eat and fill out like a walking whale and I hate myself. I haven't even touched the scale because I'm terrified of what it's going to tell me. It's 2:31pm and so far I've had a rice cake (50) and I'm drinking some green tea (27). I don't plan on eating more than dinner tonight, perhaps I'll make my own dinner depending on what my boyfriend's mother decides to cook. More often than not it's shit that's boiled in grease so I can't exactly say I love her cooking.

Also I stumbled on Fatspo today and I'm actually pissed off.
All you need to do is hop on tumblr and scroll through the 'positive messages' and you'll understand why. Tags like that are going to kill people faster than they think. I found a gif of someone shoveling a cupcake in the face of the fattest chick ever and all i could do was shudder and stare. It was so disgusting and it sure as fuck killed my appetite. Sure when I see some pictures of Wendy's or McDonald's (fuck you tumblr ads) I get kind of hungry because it looks SO good but even I know that you don't just eat something because it sounds good. That's how you get diabetes and personally to that I say no fucking thank you.

I actually had to rest my eyes on some thinspo. Ugh. Beautiful legs <3
I love looking at their stomachs and imagining all of the things I would do when I look like that.
___________

Lunch:
- Chicken Salad  (230)

= 307

2/23/16 Food Log

I am so glad that the stationary bike is finally here. I feel so much better about myself now that I have a steady means of exercise. I've never really gotten tired while riding the bike, more often than not I have to make myself stop or I never will lol

Breakfast:
- Small sip of smoothie (30)

Lunch:
- Ana Soup (64)

= 94

Stationary Bike (-300)

= -206

Snack:
- Cereal (130)

= -76

Phone wont connect to WiFi and my laptop charger took a shit.

That, my friends, is why I've been absent for 4 freaking days. (I love how I say this as if the 5 people that follow my blog even read my entries lol)

I've been dog sitting since the 18th and it's been freaking great lol These dogs are adorable and tomorrow I'm probably going to upload a bunch of pictures of them to brighten up the mood of my Blogger lately. My aunt and uncle left me a huge bag of salad, boiled eggs, low cal frozen meals and some fruit. Holy fuck I'm so glad they know that i'm 'dieting' <3

Something happened that I'm so fucking happy about. I HIT MY FIRST GOAL WEIGHT!
I'm still a fat whale but I'm a whale that's officially 20 pounds lighter and I'm so stoked. Time to set a new goal weight. I can't decide between 220 and 215. I think this goal weight will be 220 and then the next 210.

Idk. I'm getting ahead of myself out of excitement. I've been eating like a rabbit with a RIDICULOUS Bowflex Max Trainer and it's been wonderful. Snorting a few pills has been helping pretty nicely, too. And i've been eating a bunch of blueberries as a natural laxative (for some reason laxatives make me really light headed and horrible so fuck them). And to top it all off I've been in the house by myself this entire time (minus the 2 hours my boyfriend came over <3) so NO ONE can tell me that I'm doing anything wrong.

I feel like a 12 year old when I say that but fuck it, I'm excited as hell about my progress and environment.

I hope you're all having awesome weekends.

Food Log 2/16/16

This will be short since I'm writing this at the end of the night instead of small bits throughout the day.

Breakfast:
- 2 Boiled Eggs (156)

Lunch:
- Green Tea w/ Honey & Slimstevia (idek) (70)

Dinner:
- Ana Soup (64)

Meds Meal:
- Ceaser Salad (240)

= 530

I knew this was going to happen. Food Log 2/15/16

Lucas took me out for a Valentine's Day dinner.. He wanted to do something nice for me so I couldn't just say no.. It was very sweet but there were consiquences...

I weighed in at 233.6 this morning and I wanted to cry. I almost gained a full pound. I ate far too much yesterday and I have to do damage control. I don't have a choice. So far I've eaten an apple because I needed food in my stomach for my meds, (I can't wait until I'm done with them) and I'm drinking my Green Tea/Blueberry slim tea which is turning out to be a great laxative.

3 more days. That's how long I have to wait before I'm surrounded in exercise equipment and super cute Saint Bernards. (I don't even lock the front door when I stay there because who the fuck is going to try and get passed two huge, loud, drooling balls of teeth)
______________

[2:30pm-Woke up really late]
Breakfast:
-1 Large Apple/Sliced (109)
-Green/Blueberry Slim Tea w/ Honey&Stevia (15)

= 124

[7:00pm]
Dinner:
-Ana Soup (54)
-Metabolic Water (20)
-Cheese and Saltines (unknown. Probably about 100)

= 298

[12:00am]
- Ana Soup (70)

= 368

[1:00]  (meds)
- Blueberry Bagel (240)

= 608

 

I really hate feeling sick.

Since I went to the doctor about my sinus infection I've been taking a mixture of Sudafed and Antibiotics. First of all, thank God for Sudafed because it's been helping the vertigo more than anything, second of all I think the Antibiotics are out to get me. After a day or so of being on them my sinuses began to drain and my throat was so freaking sore, then I started coughing up gunk and now it feels like a full blown cold. I'm not sure if it actually is or if it's just the sinus infection but everyone else in the house is sick so if it isn't a cold now then it will be very soon.

On a lighter note: MPA makes me feel validated and I can't even express how appreciative I am of that.
In the comments of my Anti-ED salf fest post I'd gotten into it with someone whom I'm pretty sure went out of her (i'm assuming) way to make a blog spot just throw a bitch fit at me.. Are you kidding me? So I went on MPA and, without giving paragraph examples, told everyone what happened and asked what their opinion was on the Anti-ED bloggers and all of the responses were hilarious. I know a few of my followers are from MPA and I just wanted to say that you guys are awesome lol.

Moving on,
So last night I had a binge. I ate the rest of my strawberries (there were only 3 left) and then I grabbed a pack of saltines, a jar of peanut butter and proceeded to make little sandwiches out of them. I ate so many.. my boyfriend tried to make me feel better about by pointing out the protein levels but he forgot about the fat content. I feel horrible. I weighed myself this morning (stupidly after eating) and I weighed in at 232.8.. Now sure that's progress but I feel like if I hadn't binged that I would be at 232.0 and that would have been really awesome to see. Now I feel like i've set myself back an entire week of progress. Thankfully next week is when I house sit for my uncle (who has a bunch of work out equipment) and I get to get ahead a little. My aunt is putting the bike in the living room so that I can game out (my uncle is a HUGE gamer. I love my family lol) while I exercise. Meaning I'll be paying more attention to Dark Souls than I will be the bike so who knows how many calories I could burn off! My aunt is buying me a bunch of salad and lemons as a thank you for watching the house for a few days <3 I love that no one knows the extent of my 'diet' and they just think I'm changing what I'm eating so they help me.

I love it. I can't wait until Thursday!

Food Log 2/12/16

As usual this will be updated throughout the day.

Breakfast:
-6 almond M&Ms (spat out the almond) (58)

[1:00pm]-(meds)
-2 sliced strawberries w/ Stevia (10)
-1 Buttered Popcorn Rice cake (35)

= 103

[3:45pm]
Aerobic Work out(small)  -117

= -14

[4:43pm]
Late Lunch:
- Ana Soup (69)

= 55

[5:00pm]
Surprise treat from Boyfriend.
- Sugar Free Iced Chai ( 61)

= 116

[7:57pm]
Dinner:
-1 Blueberry Bagel (260)

= 376 

[1:00am]-(meds)
- Small plate of Meatloaf (?) - Probably about 400-500.

= Not sure but I know I stayed under 1000

I fucking hate Anti-ED Account on Tumblr.

For the 4th fucking time my blog has been terminated and I'm getting really fucking tired of it.
All because someone challenged my disclaimer and they didn't like my explaination (even though they didn't even fucking read it all)

I am allowed to fucking post thinspo. If I want to post some diets on MY FUCKING BLOG then I'm going to and that's my right. I can't even form a classy argument right now because m everything is just covered in salt right now. I'm so fucking mad.

Now I have to make a new account with a brand new fucking email and I might shoot them all.

Just. Might. Fucking. Do it.

HAVE SOME THINSPO BECAUSE FUCK TUMBLR.

2/11/16 Food Log (90kcal by 9:30pm. I fucking rock)

Late entry so I'm not sure of when exactly I had eaten.

Breakfast:
- 2 boiled eggs w/ Salt&Pepper (140)

Lunch:
-2 sliced strawberries w/ Stevia (10)
-Green Tea /w Honey&Stevia (15)

Snack:
-Two bites (1 half) of pizza roll up (80)

Dinner:
-Pasta&Broccoli /w cheese (400) [....]
- 2/3 Peace Tea (100)

= 245

8:00pm Update Walking 35 minutes (-155)

=  590net by medication time (1am)

I want to cry.. I fucking hate myself..
 _____

I'm not happy with myself over the roll up but as soon as I realized I had eaten half of it I decided to throw the rest away along with the 2 remaining roll ups on the plate that my friend hadn't finished. I ripped them up, threw them in the garbage and poured water on them (for good measure).

I felt really good about it and I feel even better about myself regarding my caloric intake today so far. It's 7:16pm and I've eaten less than 300 calories. I think I'm going to make my Ana Soup if I wind up going over to my boyfriend's house so I can just eat that while i"m there instead of whatever his mom is making for dinner. She always cooks dinners that are so high in fat or sodium.. all for the sake of taste. And she wonders why she's diabetic. Okay that was mean and unfair but it's definitly contributes.

Oh. Also. I WEIGHED IN AT 234 ON MY BF'S SCALE AND 235 ON MINE.
I'm annoyed that they have different numbers but BOTH are a number that I enjoyed seeing after being 236.4 for two days. I'm going to just assume my weight is 235 just to be on the safe side.

I love seeing progress.
Now if only I could see it on my body, too...

2/10/16 Food Log

[8:55am]
Breakfast:
-1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)
-Metabolic water

[1:00pm]
Lunch:
-Ana Soup (46)

[3:34pm]
Snack:
-3 sliced medium Strawberries w/ Stevia (12)

So far my net intake is at 93 calories and I think I'm doing fairly well as far as damage control is considered!

Hopefully after I'm done peeing out all of the water from today I can weigh myself and be a little happier. Unforunately since I'm home I only have a scale that rounds up or down, I don't get a specific measurment. So it may tell me I'm 237 when I'm not actually.

Sigh. Wish me luck on the rest of my day <3 I'll update this at the end of the night.

UPDATE::

[5:30pm]
Snack: 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

= 128net
 

2/9/16 Food Log

Breakfast: -

Lunch: -

Dinner:
- Domino's Chicken Alfredo (600)

_______________

I can't stay I'm happy with myself because now I either have to work off 200 calories (which is going to be difficult because my feet got really bad yesterday and they still hurt) or I leave the alfredo as the only thing I eat. This would be ideal if I worked off calories AND didn't eat anything further but the antibiotics I'm on for my sinus infection require food. I attempted taking my first pill earlier in the afternoon on an empty stomach and it was horrible. I felt so sick that I thought I was going to throw up. Granted throwing up wouldn't have been horrible because all I'd had prior to that was my metabolic water (which I've been drinking religiously today) but I still try to avoid vomiting in fear of liking the idea too much. Again.

I have the ingredients to my Ana Soup prepared in the fridge and so that's only about 40 something calories but It's still got enough sodium in it to make me reluctant. And any fruit I have is at least 90 calories and is HARDLY considered filling. Especially apples. Apples always make me hungrier afterwards.

I also need to go to bed earlier tonight (meaning earlier than like 4am) because my therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'm really nervous about it. I've never met this woman before and I'm not excited to have a new therapist. Or any therapist.. But I guess if I'm not going to manage my disordered eating then I at least have to try and manage my anxiety.. I hate anxiety.
If I had just told my boyfriend no to the alfredo then I wouldn't be in this problem, my intake problem that is. I think I'll try and do some aerobics until my feet tell me to go to hell.

Wish me luck. I hope you're all staying strong, I believe in you <3

Woke up as 236.4 when before this Super Bowl nonsense I was 236.6.

Fuck yeah!

Baby steps.
 ♡

My boyfriend is 'supporting my decision' regarding losing weight.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, nor am I sure if he knows the extent of my decisions.
When we first started dating he used to tell me how sexy he thought my jaw line was (Kind of random but I liked the compliment) and since the relationship started almost 2 years ago I had gained weight.. Since then I haven't heard a thing about my jaw.. I'm pretty sure it's because it's now hidden in a ball of fat and I want to cry so hard when I think about it.

I also wish my family didn't keep junk food in the house because I wound up eating a hot dog with cheese and duritos, then later I ate a bowl of ice cream.. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Every time I see some progress I manage to throw it out of the window because something ALWAYS has to come up.. Thankfully though I'll be house sitting from the 18th to the 21st for my aunt and uncle and they don't really have junk food in their house other than soda (which I will have to punch myself in the face just to stay away from) but at least they have multiple exercise machines (unlike this fucking house). I wish I had more chances to use equipment. I have no money for a gym membership and whenever I'm at Lucas's house I can't use the treadmill because it's shacked up in his mom's room and I feel too awkward to use it while she's in there. It's just weird to me and I'd rather not.

And I know I keep talking about this but I'm so fucking annoyed that she has so many opportunities to make herself healthier but she never takes advantage of them. I don't want to be like that. I want to me thin and beautiful. I want my thighs to be thin and I don't ever want them to touch. I want to have a flat stomach. I want to be a person that Lucas can be proud of. I want him to show me off but first I need to be worth showing off..

I just want to be beautiful.. I don't want to keep crying over this.
I'm now using a stop watch with everything I do and cleaning my room I only burned 111 calories.. Which pretty much just burns off the hot dog bun(110).. I still have to burn off the doritos (About 280kcal), the hot dog (120), the cheese on the hot dog (Unsure) and the bowl of ice cream I ate (Probably around 250kcal if not more), and the two rice cakes I had when I got home today (70).

I'm such a fucking failure.
Food log break down: 
110 + 280 + 250 + 70 + 50(taking a guess for the cheese, shredded, not a lot)
= 750 - 111(cleaning) - 26(jogging in place) = 623

AT LEAST I MANAGED TO STAY UNDER 1000kcal SO THERE'S THAT ♡♡♡

12:22am EDIT:: 
623 - 195(treadmill) = 428 - 446 (heavy cleaning) = -18 + 156 = 138 net intake

Now that is how you turn your bad calorie day around. 

Super Bowl parties are of the devil.

There were so many people here yesterday that my anxiety was throwing a shit fit.
And of course my aunt brought over elk meat for burgers and I was expected to eat them.. I only had a little bit of chips but by the end of the night I had 2 burgers.

And then Lucas bought me Taco Bell and so I had a Chalupa and a slurpee thing..
I weighed myself this morning and I'm now at 237.4.. I wanted to cry. I'm hoping to god that most of that is from the sodium content that I took in because I'm not happy at all.

Today I'm starting off with 2 Rice Cakes and a Tea (85 all together) and I'm going to make ana soup around 4pm or 5pm. Maybe 6pm if I'm able to get that far.

Wish me luck.

I forgot I had news!

I was so preoccupied with working off the calories I shoved in my face this morning that I forgot to update my weight! Yesterday when I went to the doctor (remember the scary light headed feeling I wrote about? It was a sinus infection. Not even mad.) and of course they had to weigh me.

Well finally they got a large digital scale. It read 236.6.

Now to me that's pretty awesome anyways because I'd been thinking I was 238 this entire time.
Better news. I weighed myself today before I took my shower (after the first work out) and I weighed in at 236 even. I'm so happy. I'm going to try and shoot for the 235.5 range by Monday <3 <3 <3

2/6/16 Food Log

So last night I wound up stress eating hardcore. My boyfriend and I had to drive to Portland (Oregon) to take his mom to the airport. Little did we know (though I expected) there was going to be a huge rain storm in the middle of the curvy as fuck high way. We could hardly see and I was terrified. So what did I do? I stuffed my face with funyuns, watermelon rings and jerky. God only knows how many calories I ate. Granted this has been all i'd eaten that day because I didn't eat before the trip and it's a 6 hour drive there and back. Then this morning I did it again (THIS IS WHY YOU DONT BINGE) to a lesser extent. The good news, however, is that with his mom being gone I now have the treadmill all to myself in private. Yay.

8:??am
Breakfast:
- Junk food. (Probably about 500 calories worth. Perhaps less but I'll stick with 500)

11:00am work out
- Walking 2mph. 28min ( -166 )
- Jogging 4mph. 1min ( -12 )

= 322 net.
I'm so disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be at 322 calories until at least 4 or 5pm. 6pm on a really good day. I'm such a fucking failure.

  3:00pm work out 
 - Walking 2mph. 30min ( -177 )

= 145 net
This is better but I'm still not very happy with myself. It's only 3:30pm now. Ideally I would be at 100 calories at this time of the day. But I guess I shouldn't be that hard on myself, at least I was able to work enough of it off that it won't do significant damage to my day.
I think I might skip out on lunch. If not I'll probably just have 2 egg whites.

[It's so pitiful I know but Lucas didn't even sleep last night and the treadmill is in the other room and I was worried about waking him up. I'll be doing more later.]

7:05pm
Dinner:
- Ana Soup (66)

= 211 net

I honestly still don't trust that I only ate 500 calories in junk food so I'm just not going to eat anything else until I wake up tomorrow. I'll likely be going to bed around 4am.

2/4/16 Food log.

So far, so good. I am of course saying this at 6:30pm and I've yet to go to my boyfriend's house which is usually where my calories lie in wait >.>

[Around 1pm]
Breakfast:
- 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)
- Blueberry/Green Tea diet tea (0)

[3:13pm]
Lunch:
- Fat Ana Soup (75)

• carrots (25)
• celery (6)
• 2 boiled egg whites (34)
• broth (10)

- Metabolic water (20)

[5:38pm]
Snack:
- 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

6:30 tea time:
 Green Tea w/ Honey Powder and Stevia (15)

[8:20pm]
Snack:
-  1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

= 215 calories so far

11:30ok
Dinner:
- Pasta/Broccoli/Cheese bowl (400)
- Bagel (big mistake) (230)

= 845 calories in whole

I'm not happy with myself.

I really hate it when my laptop decides to derp out.

For whatever reason my laptop wouldn't connect to wifi. And not just mine, I mean anyone's wifi.
It wouldn't even show anything other than 'airplane mode' on the list where the connections should have been. (No my laptop has not been on airplane mode).

So that's why I haven't really existed for almost a week. I have some nice news though c:
I've dropped another 2 pounds and I'm now at 236! I've been waiting for a while to see that number and I'm so happy with it! I didn't even want to weigh myself this morning but I thought "Eh, my stomach is empty and I just went to the bathroom. Why not?" And it actually showed 236. I almost cried. I was so happy that I started cleaning the kitchen lol not even my kitchen, Lucas's kitchen xD

A problem I often run into is that when I see a lower number on the scale I automatically assume "Well I guess I can eat this since I already lost some weight" and then I gain it back and I start from square one all over again. So today I'm going to eat like a bird. I've had a Rice Cake (35) and I'm currently drinking my weight loss blueberry/green tea with honey powder (30/2 Tsp) and stevia (0) and seeing as it's 1:22pm I think I've done well so far. I think today I'm going to relax with some video games (Mainly Dark Souls 2 and Terraria) and then do some aerobics later on before I fuck with my hair.

Never use permanent black hair dye because even after a year bleaching it twice leaves you with dark brown. So now I get to use a color remover and then bleach it again if I have to before I dye my hair pink.

Also my Tumblr got deactivated again so if you want to follow me it's: SkinnyHeartFatThighs