New Keyboard&Mouse !!!

I'm not in the mood to write a massive paragraph but I'll update you guys on what's happened.
Kind of.

Well I'm at 225.
Joined a pro ana kik group.
Seeing a dietitian now.
Seeing her tomorrow and she wants me to give her my food journal.

LOL should be fun.

I feel so bad for my laptop. I'm also going crazy not posting on my blog.

So shortly after the last post I made I wound up spilling chai all over my keyboard and until now (I'm borrowing a keyboard) I haven't been able to even sign into my computer.
So to the few of you that follow me: I'm not dead!:D

My eating has been fluctuating but it's become quite managable. The stationary bike is still screwy but I may be getting an elipticle soon and I'm so stoked for it!

I did my measurements today and since the end of January I've lost an inch on my thigh and half an inch on my waist. It's not a lot but I'm really happy about it. I'm not really seeing the results but the measuring tape doesn't lie so at least I have that to look up to.

I've been at a steady 227-228 lately (except for today because I'm bloated as hell, I think i'm at 230 lol) and it makes me happy. Lowly but surely I'll be down to 220, then 210, then 200. The number is going to keep dropping if it kills me.

I'm getting back into the Purging habit and it's scaring me.

I already have heart palpitations (from purging in the past i'm sure) and still every time I feel full I want to run to the bathroom to go "shower". I'm worried that Its going to get bad again.

I woke up from a nap after being baked off of my ass and the first thing I did was shove a bunch of garlic bread in my mouth and now I'm so full that I'm sick. I'm drinking a bunch of water and when I'm finished with it I'm probably going to go "take a shower"..

I keep saying every time afterwards "That's the last time". But it's never the last time:/

I seriously need to get my charger port fixed.

I hate that I'm not updating this as often as I did, sometimes I have anxiety over it.
Well as a mini update, I'm still fat. Shocker. I've been stuck bouncing back and forth from 229.7 to 232.4 (which Is likely because of sodium, i haven't been drinking as much water.) and it's annoying the hell out of me. I need to stop forgetting to drink water. Ever since my Voss bottles got fucked up I haven't been drinking as much water, I guess it's because the water isn't next to me all day to remind me "Yo you need this to live" and so I'm retaining as much sodium as I can.

Unfortunately it's a little difficult to escape sodium all together.
Lately I've been drinking just tea with stevia when I'm hungry, i've cut out the honey powder because somehow I get anxious over the extra 15 calories.

Ugh. I'm too stoned today to eat nothing. I've eaten a small banana today along with my Blackberry Green tea and so as of now (4:08pm) I've consumed 90 calories. It's not bad. I want to wait until 6 before I make my soup (64) so that by then I've only eaten 154 calories and it could be worse. I'm going to have a weigh in at the doctor's office next week and I want to weight at least 227.5 by then. I'm thinking about having a tea fast on Wednesday. Or even tomorrow.

ALSO.
I lost my EBT card last week while I was in Weston and I've had no healthy food in this house. It's back to eating what the rest of the house buys and it's been fucking me up so bad. There's no veggies and I just ate the last piece of fruit and I have to wait another 3-5 days until I get my card back.

Yippy.

Leap years make me want to binge

Turns out today won't happen for another 4 years and my brain and my stomach are working against me with this fact. My brain says "Today is just like any other day and you need to not be an idiot.". My stomach says "Eat literally everything because fuck it. Today doesn't even exist. The bike upstairs is getting fixed and you can just get on at 8 and ride till 11."

I don't know what to do. I haven't binged in a while and I'm so proud for that. Sometimes my dinners aren't as great as I'd like them to be (i just need to stop going to Lucas's house) but every other choice has been good. Like today it's 3:15 and I've eaten 100 calories. Ugh.. Honestly I want a quesadilla, waffles, eggs, a fruit smoothie... And some pasta roni. All of this will wind up being well over 1000 calories and I'm not going to ear it all but holy fuck I want my forbidden foods SO FUCKING BAD.
Maybe if I write it all down I wont want it as bad.

Quesadilla = 577 calories
Waffles = 195 calories
Scrambled Eggs = 364
Fruit Smoothie with 1% milk = Around 300.

If I indulge in everything I want I'll consume 1436 calories. 
Nope. I may eat a Quesadilla but afterwards I'm throwing it up. Good thing I have some diet coke to help me <3

Food Log 2/28/16

Breakfast:-Ana Soup (62)

Snack:
-2 Caramel Rice Cakes (100)

= 162

Lunch:
-Green Tea w/ Honey (15)

= 177

Dinner:
Chicken Caesar Salad (230)
Caramel Rice Cake (50)

= 457
______

Last night was so horrible.. It started out really calming and normal, and for a food day it was great. I didn't eat anything until around 9pm. I was supposed to eat dinner around 7pm but shit exploded at my boyfriend's house.. My boyfriend's brother came home plastered (this is nothing new) and he was apparently in a really bad mood but didn't show it what so ever so I made a comment that got taken very very badly. One thing led to another and suddenly "Your girlfriend is a fat fucking cunt" was shouted all throughout the house.. I said I wasn't bothered by it but holy shit whenever I even think about food I hear his voice in my head and I want to break down and cry..

Who knows. Maybe this is my new motivation.. Idk. It doesn't even feel like motivation.
Putting down any food is what makes his voice leave my head.. On the bright side: Lucas beat the shit out of him.
Still hurts, though. I'll show that asshole. I'll show all of them.

I have no self discipline and I kind of hate myself.

For the passed two days I've done nothing but eat and fill out like a walking whale and I hate myself. I haven't even touched the scale because I'm terrified of what it's going to tell me. It's 2:31pm and so far I've had a rice cake (50) and I'm drinking some green tea (27). I don't plan on eating more than dinner tonight, perhaps I'll make my own dinner depending on what my boyfriend's mother decides to cook. More often than not it's shit that's boiled in grease so I can't exactly say I love her cooking.

Also I stumbled on Fatspo today and I'm actually pissed off.
All you need to do is hop on tumblr and scroll through the 'positive messages' and you'll understand why. Tags like that are going to kill people faster than they think. I found a gif of someone shoveling a cupcake in the face of the fattest chick ever and all i could do was shudder and stare. It was so disgusting and it sure as fuck killed my appetite. Sure when I see some pictures of Wendy's or McDonald's (fuck you tumblr ads) I get kind of hungry because it looks SO good but even I know that you don't just eat something because it sounds good. That's how you get diabetes and personally to that I say no fucking thank you.

I actually had to rest my eyes on some thinspo. Ugh. Beautiful legs <3
I love looking at their stomachs and imagining all of the things I would do when I look like that.
___________

Lunch:
- Chicken Salad  (230)

= 307

2/23/16 Food Log

I am so glad that the stationary bike is finally here. I feel so much better about myself now that I have a steady means of exercise. I've never really gotten tired while riding the bike, more often than not I have to make myself stop or I never will lol

Breakfast:
- Small sip of smoothie (30)

Lunch:
- Ana Soup (64)

= 94

Stationary Bike (-300)

= -206

Snack:
- Cereal (130)

= -76

Phone wont connect to WiFi and my laptop charger took a shit.

That, my friends, is why I've been absent for 4 freaking days. (I love how I say this as if the 5 people that follow my blog even read my entries lol)

I've been dog sitting since the 18th and it's been freaking great lol These dogs are adorable and tomorrow I'm probably going to upload a bunch of pictures of them to brighten up the mood of my Blogger lately. My aunt and uncle left me a huge bag of salad, boiled eggs, low cal frozen meals and some fruit. Holy fuck I'm so glad they know that i'm 'dieting' <3

Something happened that I'm so fucking happy about. I HIT MY FIRST GOAL WEIGHT!
I'm still a fat whale but I'm a whale that's officially 20 pounds lighter and I'm so stoked. Time to set a new goal weight. I can't decide between 220 and 215. I think this goal weight will be 220 and then the next 210.

Idk. I'm getting ahead of myself out of excitement. I've been eating like a rabbit with a RIDICULOUS Bowflex Max Trainer and it's been wonderful. Snorting a few pills has been helping pretty nicely, too. And i've been eating a bunch of blueberries as a natural laxative (for some reason laxatives make me really light headed and horrible so fuck them). And to top it all off I've been in the house by myself this entire time (minus the 2 hours my boyfriend came over <3) so NO ONE can tell me that I'm doing anything wrong.

I feel like a 12 year old when I say that but fuck it, I'm excited as hell about my progress and environment.

I hope you're all having awesome weekends.

Food Log 2/16/16

This will be short since I'm writing this at the end of the night instead of small bits throughout the day.

Breakfast:
- 2 Boiled Eggs (156)

Lunch:
- Green Tea w/ Honey & Slimstevia (idek) (70)

Dinner:
- Ana Soup (64)

Meds Meal:
- Ceaser Salad (240)

= 530

I knew this was going to happen. Food Log 2/15/16

Lucas took me out for a Valentine's Day dinner.. He wanted to do something nice for me so I couldn't just say no.. It was very sweet but there were consiquences...

I weighed in at 233.6 this morning and I wanted to cry. I almost gained a full pound. I ate far too much yesterday and I have to do damage control. I don't have a choice. So far I've eaten an apple because I needed food in my stomach for my meds, (I can't wait until I'm done with them) and I'm drinking my Green Tea/Blueberry slim tea which is turning out to be a great laxative.

3 more days. That's how long I have to wait before I'm surrounded in exercise equipment and super cute Saint Bernards. (I don't even lock the front door when I stay there because who the fuck is going to try and get passed two huge, loud, drooling balls of teeth)
______________

[2:30pm-Woke up really late]
Breakfast:
-1 Large Apple/Sliced (109)
-Green/Blueberry Slim Tea w/ Honey&Stevia (15)

= 124

[7:00pm]
Dinner:
-Ana Soup (54)
-Metabolic Water (20)
-Cheese and Saltines (unknown. Probably about 100)

= 298

[12:00am]
- Ana Soup (70)

= 368

[1:00]  (meds)
- Blueberry Bagel (240)

= 608

 

I really hate feeling sick.

Since I went to the doctor about my sinus infection I've been taking a mixture of Sudafed and Antibiotics. First of all, thank God for Sudafed because it's been helping the vertigo more than anything, second of all I think the Antibiotics are out to get me. After a day or so of being on them my sinuses began to drain and my throat was so freaking sore, then I started coughing up gunk and now it feels like a full blown cold. I'm not sure if it actually is or if it's just the sinus infection but everyone else in the house is sick so if it isn't a cold now then it will be very soon.

On a lighter note: MPA makes me feel validated and I can't even express how appreciative I am of that.
In the comments of my Anti-ED salf fest post I'd gotten into it with someone whom I'm pretty sure went out of her (i'm assuming) way to make a blog spot just throw a bitch fit at me.. Are you kidding me? So I went on MPA and, without giving paragraph examples, told everyone what happened and asked what their opinion was on the Anti-ED bloggers and all of the responses were hilarious. I know a few of my followers are from MPA and I just wanted to say that you guys are awesome lol.

Moving on,
So last night I had a binge. I ate the rest of my strawberries (there were only 3 left) and then I grabbed a pack of saltines, a jar of peanut butter and proceeded to make little sandwiches out of them. I ate so many.. my boyfriend tried to make me feel better about by pointing out the protein levels but he forgot about the fat content. I feel horrible. I weighed myself this morning (stupidly after eating) and I weighed in at 232.8.. Now sure that's progress but I feel like if I hadn't binged that I would be at 232.0 and that would have been really awesome to see. Now I feel like i've set myself back an entire week of progress. Thankfully next week is when I house sit for my uncle (who has a bunch of work out equipment) and I get to get ahead a little. My aunt is putting the bike in the living room so that I can game out (my uncle is a HUGE gamer. I love my family lol) while I exercise. Meaning I'll be paying more attention to Dark Souls than I will be the bike so who knows how many calories I could burn off! My aunt is buying me a bunch of salad and lemons as a thank you for watching the house for a few days <3 I love that no one knows the extent of my 'diet' and they just think I'm changing what I'm eating so they help me.

I love it. I can't wait until Thursday!

Food Log 2/12/16

As usual this will be updated throughout the day.

Breakfast:
-6 almond M&Ms (spat out the almond) (58)

[1:00pm]-(meds)
-2 sliced strawberries w/ Stevia (10)
-1 Buttered Popcorn Rice cake (35)

= 103

[3:45pm]
Aerobic Work out(small)  -117

= -14

[4:43pm]
Late Lunch:
- Ana Soup (69)

= 55

[5:00pm]
Surprise treat from Boyfriend.
- Sugar Free Iced Chai ( 61)

= 116

[7:57pm]
Dinner:
-1 Blueberry Bagel (260)

= 376 

[1:00am]-(meds)
- Small plate of Meatloaf (?) - Probably about 400-500.

= Not sure but I know I stayed under 1000

I fucking hate Anti-ED Account on Tumblr.

For the 4th fucking time my blog has been terminated and I'm getting really fucking tired of it.
All because someone challenged my disclaimer and they didn't like my explaination (even though they didn't even fucking read it all)

I am allowed to fucking post thinspo. If I want to post some diets on MY FUCKING BLOG then I'm going to and that's my right. I can't even form a classy argument right now because m everything is just covered in salt right now. I'm so fucking mad.

Now I have to make a new account with a brand new fucking email and I might shoot them all.

Just. Might. Fucking. Do it.

HAVE SOME THINSPO BECAUSE FUCK TUMBLR.

2/11/16 Food Log (90kcal by 9:30pm. I fucking rock)

Late entry so I'm not sure of when exactly I had eaten.

Breakfast:
- 2 boiled eggs w/ Salt&Pepper (140)

Lunch:
-2 sliced strawberries w/ Stevia (10)
-Green Tea /w Honey&Stevia (15)

Snack:
-Two bites (1 half) of pizza roll up (80)

Dinner:
-Pasta&Broccoli /w cheese (400) [....]
- 2/3 Peace Tea (100)

= 245

8:00pm Update Walking 35 minutes (-155)

=  590net by medication time (1am)

I want to cry.. I fucking hate myself..
 _____

I'm not happy with myself over the roll up but as soon as I realized I had eaten half of it I decided to throw the rest away along with the 2 remaining roll ups on the plate that my friend hadn't finished. I ripped them up, threw them in the garbage and poured water on them (for good measure).

I felt really good about it and I feel even better about myself regarding my caloric intake today so far. It's 7:16pm and I've eaten less than 300 calories. I think I'm going to make my Ana Soup if I wind up going over to my boyfriend's house so I can just eat that while i"m there instead of whatever his mom is making for dinner. She always cooks dinners that are so high in fat or sodium.. all for the sake of taste. And she wonders why she's diabetic. Okay that was mean and unfair but it's definitly contributes.

Oh. Also. I WEIGHED IN AT 234 ON MY BF'S SCALE AND 235 ON MINE.
I'm annoyed that they have different numbers but BOTH are a number that I enjoyed seeing after being 236.4 for two days. I'm going to just assume my weight is 235 just to be on the safe side.

I love seeing progress.
Now if only I could see it on my body, too...

2/10/16 Food Log

[8:55am]
Breakfast:
-1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)
-Metabolic water

[1:00pm]
Lunch:
-Ana Soup (46)

[3:34pm]
Snack:
-3 sliced medium Strawberries w/ Stevia (12)

So far my net intake is at 93 calories and I think I'm doing fairly well as far as damage control is considered!

Hopefully after I'm done peeing out all of the water from today I can weigh myself and be a little happier. Unforunately since I'm home I only have a scale that rounds up or down, I don't get a specific measurment. So it may tell me I'm 237 when I'm not actually.

Sigh. Wish me luck on the rest of my day <3 I'll update this at the end of the night.

UPDATE::

[5:30pm]
Snack: 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

= 128net
 

2/9/16 Food Log

Breakfast: -

Lunch: -

Dinner:
- Domino's Chicken Alfredo (600)

_______________

I can't stay I'm happy with myself because now I either have to work off 200 calories (which is going to be difficult because my feet got really bad yesterday and they still hurt) or I leave the alfredo as the only thing I eat. This would be ideal if I worked off calories AND didn't eat anything further but the antibiotics I'm on for my sinus infection require food. I attempted taking my first pill earlier in the afternoon on an empty stomach and it was horrible. I felt so sick that I thought I was going to throw up. Granted throwing up wouldn't have been horrible because all I'd had prior to that was my metabolic water (which I've been drinking religiously today) but I still try to avoid vomiting in fear of liking the idea too much. Again.

I have the ingredients to my Ana Soup prepared in the fridge and so that's only about 40 something calories but It's still got enough sodium in it to make me reluctant. And any fruit I have is at least 90 calories and is HARDLY considered filling. Especially apples. Apples always make me hungrier afterwards.

I also need to go to bed earlier tonight (meaning earlier than like 4am) because my therapy appointment is tomorrow and I'm really nervous about it. I've never met this woman before and I'm not excited to have a new therapist. Or any therapist.. But I guess if I'm not going to manage my disordered eating then I at least have to try and manage my anxiety.. I hate anxiety.
If I had just told my boyfriend no to the alfredo then I wouldn't be in this problem, my intake problem that is. I think I'll try and do some aerobics until my feet tell me to go to hell.

Wish me luck. I hope you're all staying strong, I believe in you <3

Woke up as 236.4 when before this Super Bowl nonsense I was 236.6.

Fuck yeah!

Baby steps.
 ♡

My boyfriend is 'supporting my decision' regarding losing weight.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, nor am I sure if he knows the extent of my decisions.
When we first started dating he used to tell me how sexy he thought my jaw line was (Kind of random but I liked the compliment) and since the relationship started almost 2 years ago I had gained weight.. Since then I haven't heard a thing about my jaw.. I'm pretty sure it's because it's now hidden in a ball of fat and I want to cry so hard when I think about it.

I also wish my family didn't keep junk food in the house because I wound up eating a hot dog with cheese and duritos, then later I ate a bowl of ice cream.. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Every time I see some progress I manage to throw it out of the window because something ALWAYS has to come up.. Thankfully though I'll be house sitting from the 18th to the 21st for my aunt and uncle and they don't really have junk food in their house other than soda (which I will have to punch myself in the face just to stay away from) but at least they have multiple exercise machines (unlike this fucking house). I wish I had more chances to use equipment. I have no money for a gym membership and whenever I'm at Lucas's house I can't use the treadmill because it's shacked up in his mom's room and I feel too awkward to use it while she's in there. It's just weird to me and I'd rather not.

And I know I keep talking about this but I'm so fucking annoyed that she has so many opportunities to make herself healthier but she never takes advantage of them. I don't want to be like that. I want to me thin and beautiful. I want my thighs to be thin and I don't ever want them to touch. I want to have a flat stomach. I want to be a person that Lucas can be proud of. I want him to show me off but first I need to be worth showing off..

I just want to be beautiful.. I don't want to keep crying over this.
I'm now using a stop watch with everything I do and cleaning my room I only burned 111 calories.. Which pretty much just burns off the hot dog bun(110).. I still have to burn off the doritos (About 280kcal), the hot dog (120), the cheese on the hot dog (Unsure) and the bowl of ice cream I ate (Probably around 250kcal if not more), and the two rice cakes I had when I got home today (70).

I'm such a fucking failure.
Food log break down: 
110 + 280 + 250 + 70 + 50(taking a guess for the cheese, shredded, not a lot)
= 750 - 111(cleaning) - 26(jogging in place) = 623

AT LEAST I MANAGED TO STAY UNDER 1000kcal SO THERE'S THAT ♡♡♡

12:22am EDIT:: 
623 - 195(treadmill) = 428 - 446 (heavy cleaning) = -18 + 156 = 138 net intake

Now that is how you turn your bad calorie day around. 

Super Bowl parties are of the devil.

There were so many people here yesterday that my anxiety was throwing a shit fit.
And of course my aunt brought over elk meat for burgers and I was expected to eat them.. I only had a little bit of chips but by the end of the night I had 2 burgers.

And then Lucas bought me Taco Bell and so I had a Chalupa and a slurpee thing..
I weighed myself this morning and I'm now at 237.4.. I wanted to cry. I'm hoping to god that most of that is from the sodium content that I took in because I'm not happy at all.

Today I'm starting off with 2 Rice Cakes and a Tea (85 all together) and I'm going to make ana soup around 4pm or 5pm. Maybe 6pm if I'm able to get that far.

Wish me luck.

I forgot I had news!

I was so preoccupied with working off the calories I shoved in my face this morning that I forgot to update my weight! Yesterday when I went to the doctor (remember the scary light headed feeling I wrote about? It was a sinus infection. Not even mad.) and of course they had to weigh me.

Well finally they got a large digital scale. It read 236.6.

Now to me that's pretty awesome anyways because I'd been thinking I was 238 this entire time.
Better news. I weighed myself today before I took my shower (after the first work out) and I weighed in at 236 even. I'm so happy. I'm going to try and shoot for the 235.5 range by Monday <3 <3 <3

2/6/16 Food Log

So last night I wound up stress eating hardcore. My boyfriend and I had to drive to Portland (Oregon) to take his mom to the airport. Little did we know (though I expected) there was going to be a huge rain storm in the middle of the curvy as fuck high way. We could hardly see and I was terrified. So what did I do? I stuffed my face with funyuns, watermelon rings and jerky. God only knows how many calories I ate. Granted this has been all i'd eaten that day because I didn't eat before the trip and it's a 6 hour drive there and back. Then this morning I did it again (THIS IS WHY YOU DONT BINGE) to a lesser extent. The good news, however, is that with his mom being gone I now have the treadmill all to myself in private. Yay.

8:??am
Breakfast:
- Junk food. (Probably about 500 calories worth. Perhaps less but I'll stick with 500)

11:00am work out
- Walking 2mph. 28min ( -166 )
- Jogging 4mph. 1min ( -12 )

= 322 net.
I'm so disgusted with myself. I shouldn't be at 322 calories until at least 4 or 5pm. 6pm on a really good day. I'm such a fucking failure.

  3:00pm work out 
 - Walking 2mph. 30min ( -177 )

= 145 net
This is better but I'm still not very happy with myself. It's only 3:30pm now. Ideally I would be at 100 calories at this time of the day. But I guess I shouldn't be that hard on myself, at least I was able to work enough of it off that it won't do significant damage to my day.
I think I might skip out on lunch. If not I'll probably just have 2 egg whites.

[It's so pitiful I know but Lucas didn't even sleep last night and the treadmill is in the other room and I was worried about waking him up. I'll be doing more later.]

7:05pm
Dinner:
- Ana Soup (66)

= 211 net

I honestly still don't trust that I only ate 500 calories in junk food so I'm just not going to eat anything else until I wake up tomorrow. I'll likely be going to bed around 4am.

2/4/16 Food log.

So far, so good. I am of course saying this at 6:30pm and I've yet to go to my boyfriend's house which is usually where my calories lie in wait >.>

[Around 1pm]
Breakfast:
- 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)
- Blueberry/Green Tea diet tea (0)

[3:13pm]
Lunch:
- Fat Ana Soup (75)

• carrots (25)
• celery (6)
• 2 boiled egg whites (34)
• broth (10)

- Metabolic water (20)

[5:38pm]
Snack:
- 1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

6:30 tea time:
 Green Tea w/ Honey Powder and Stevia (15)

[8:20pm]
Snack:
-  1 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (35)

= 215 calories so far

11:30ok
Dinner:
- Pasta/Broccoli/Cheese bowl (400)
- Bagel (big mistake) (230)

= 845 calories in whole

I'm not happy with myself.

I really hate it when my laptop decides to derp out.

For whatever reason my laptop wouldn't connect to wifi. And not just mine, I mean anyone's wifi.
It wouldn't even show anything other than 'airplane mode' on the list where the connections should have been. (No my laptop has not been on airplane mode).

So that's why I haven't really existed for almost a week. I have some nice news though c:
I've dropped another 2 pounds and I'm now at 236! I've been waiting for a while to see that number and I'm so happy with it! I didn't even want to weigh myself this morning but I thought "Eh, my stomach is empty and I just went to the bathroom. Why not?" And it actually showed 236. I almost cried. I was so happy that I started cleaning the kitchen lol not even my kitchen, Lucas's kitchen xD

A problem I often run into is that when I see a lower number on the scale I automatically assume "Well I guess I can eat this since I already lost some weight" and then I gain it back and I start from square one all over again. So today I'm going to eat like a bird. I've had a Rice Cake (35) and I'm currently drinking my weight loss blueberry/green tea with honey powder (30/2 Tsp) and stevia (0) and seeing as it's 1:22pm I think I've done well so far. I think today I'm going to relax with some video games (Mainly Dark Souls 2 and Terraria) and then do some aerobics later on before I fuck with my hair.

Never use permanent black hair dye because even after a year bleaching it twice leaves you with dark brown. So now I get to use a color remover and then bleach it again if I have to before I dye my hair pink.

Also my Tumblr got deactivated again so if you want to follow me it's: SkinnyHeartFatThighs

1/31/16 Food log.

I'm kind of enjoying keeping the online food diary. My hand doesn't cramp if I'm just typing lol
I don't think I'll do this from now on but I might make a habit out of it. 
This will be updated throughout the day.

10:35am
Breakfast: 2 Buttered Popcorn Rice Cake (70)
[Drinking some weird Yogi tea that helps for weight loss. Fingers crossed. ]

2:30pm
Lunch: Fat Ana Soup (80)

Dinner:

Snacks:

Exercises:
- 90 calories (apparently singing for a straight hour burns around 100 calories but sometimes I had to change the song so I put down 90)

I almost made a trip to the ER last night

I'm used to some lightheadedness. I'm even used to needing to sit down lest I want to pass out on the floor.
However.

I am not used to laying in my boyfriends bed covering my whole face in the dark like I have a migraine because despite my sobriety, the room won't stop spinning. When I had gone over to his house  I had a low net intake and then I ate my dinner, I figured that the earlier dizziness would subside because being a little floaty in the evenings is pretty normal at this point.

Lucas was laying in bed with me and out of nowhere he asked me if I had felt like this prior to my 'diet'. Fuck. Well now I don't get his support. Obviously I tell him no and he sits up and tells me that it's likely my blood sugar and I need to eat something so he gets up and brings me a cliff bar.. In itself it's 270 calories, 90 of them are from fat and there were 16 fucking grams of sugar in it. I wanted to cry but I was informed that if I didn't then I was going to the ER and I really needed feel like experiencing ANY of that..

So it looks like I need to be more careful. My breakfast today was chopped up strawberries with sprinkled cane sugar on top (32ish). Take THAT blood sugar.

I'm going to make 'Fat Ana Soup' when I get home. Which is not very different except for it's a few more baby carrots and there's another egg. My scare made me wind up eating much more than I wanted to and I hate myself because yesterday I had lost another pound.. I cried tears of joy and I probably just threw that out the window. I've been waiting so long to see that 7 and the second I do I eat more food. I hate this. I'm not stopping, I'll just watch my sugar intake more from now on.

I'm in Weston and I don't have my food journal with me.

Caramel Cube - 39 calories. (Wow never doing that again)

Green tea w/ tbsp Honey & Truvia - 60 calories

Metabolic water - 20 calories

= 119 calories by 10:00am

It's only 12:10 and I'm getting hunger pains. The worst part is that in Allison's room there is a huge mirror in front of her bed and all I can do is stare at my fat. I feel ugly and gross and it makes me want to go run a mile but it's windy, cold as fuck and raining and she would probably find it a little weird. I wish I was home so I could just make my Ana soup. I'm chugging water and tea like there's no tomorrow.

12:19pm: Good news, I'll be back in Pendleton by 2 and then I can make my soup. So 168 by around 3 (It's about a 20-30 minutes drive and then count in the time to prepare and make the soup) is actually pretty good. I have a little less anxiety now.

-

1/2 Blended Pumpkin Spice Frap (190) [Should have asked for something sugar free]
Ana Soup (43)
Mixed Berries&Stevia [Straw-8-Black-10-Blue-42] (calories, not pieces)

= 408 calories by 3:30pm
- 40 (from walking)
- 8 (from squats)
- 14 (from jogging in place)
- 11 (from marching in place while Allison was in the shower)

= 335 by 4:44pm.

Not as good as yesterday but it could be worse.

Now left with 365 calories for dinner.

6:10pm: 1 Buttered Popcorn Ricecake (35) - 330 left

Chow Mein beef teriyaki (520) -190

 My goal today was 700kcal. I could stay at 890 (FUCK NO) or I could work it off in small ways.
Or even better I could just purge it and tell Lucas that I'm not feeling well. I may not puke it all up but I can at least get rid of 190 calories worth of bullshit.

If I hadnt let myself become such a whale then 890 calories wouldn't even be that bad but unfortunately I am indeed a whale. 

Also: NEVER EAT A BIG AZ BURGER AGAIN BECAUSE IT'S LIKE 860 CALORIES AND THAT'S JUST A BIG FAT FUCK NO 

Today was such a good calorie day!

And an awesome day in general! Before the calorie day I want to express my super happiness and proudness to the entire freaking nation right now.

There's been a tag trending called #YoungmanonEllen and it's for my old spanish teacher from my high school who's been diagnosed with cancer for the third time and all she's wanted to do is get on Ellen to spread the word of kindness towards others (I know it brings a tear to my eye lol) and today on the news it was said that the tag had finally made it to Ellen's producer and 'contact is being made'

I'm so happy.

EVER MORE FOR THE HAPPINESS: MY NET INTAKE TODAY IS 373 <3

I've done so well today, I'm so happy. Thank the lord for Ana Soup. (What I've decided to name that soup in my previous post)

Now I get to head off to Weston with Allison and probably game out and watch anime. Thankfully she knows about my eating habits so she doesn't try to feed me like everyone else does.

FUCK YES <3

My only worry is that I'll also be around her friend Holly who is so skinny.. I just have a feeling that I'm going to get really self conscious and suddenly my 373 calories are going to feel like way too much. Sigh... Wish me luck.

Okay guys seriously try this soup.

It's my new favourite everything. It's low calorie and actually filling.
Downside, there's a sodium problem, upside, other than the sodium it's actually really healthy.

- 1 1/4 cups of water
- 1 chopped medium celery stalk (6)
- 4 to 5 chopped baby carrots (16 - 20)
- 1 sliced egg white (17)
- 1 TSP "Better than Bouillon" beef or chicken broth (10)

Put water on the stove and start chopping the veggies so that when the soup is done they're nice and soft.
When the water starts simmering add the broth and put all of the veggies in plus the sliced egg white. You can add the yolk as well but doing so will add a lot more calories. One egg alone is more calories than the entire soup without. So add at your own risk.

Then just let everything soak and simmer and boom! Super tasty filling low cal soup♡

 

A list of healthy calories!

Just a list of foods I tend to eat, either raw or in a meal (lol. Meal). I always forget and have to keep looking it up so I thought it'd just make a post. <3 This is basically everything in my kitchen lol

Celery - 6 calories per medium stalk

Carrots -  25 calories per medium sized carrot

Baby Carrots - 4 calories each

1 Boiled Egg - 78 calories

1 Boiled Egg White - 17 calories

Mandarin Orange - 37 calories each

Large Orange - 86 calories

Small Orange - 45 calories

Raw Honey - 60 calories per TBSP

Powder Honey - 15 calories per TSP

Large Apple - 116 calories

Medium Apple -  95

Better Than Bouillon - 10 calories per TSP (High in Sodium)

Green Tea - 0 calories

Rice Cakes - Most are 35 calories. Can go up to 50.

Blind calories are of the devil.

I'm too anxious to write a huge entry about the evil of blind calories but I just wanted to throw it out to the world that they're horrible and evil and not okay. I ate 4 peppermint pretzel sticks and according to google they could be anywhere between 130 and 190 calories each. That is an entire day's intake worth and THEN SOME. I'm drinking a green tea right now that only has 15 calories in it and right now 15 calories actually seems like so much that I just want to cry.

I need to do exercise. I hate that I don't have the money to go to the gym and I hate even more that there is NO exercise equipment in my house. I'm freaking out.

Nothing important, I just love this thinspo.

I saw it for maybe 20 seconds before I decided I needed to post it.
She's so flawless and beautiful and that outfit is adorable. Her legs are so thin and her collar bones are perfect.

My eating disorder is my biggest enemy.

But not for why you might think.

Whenever I tell myself or write in my journal that I'm going to stop eating and start exercising I begin to experience extreme hunger even if I had just eaten a decent meal within' the hour (my current situation). I believe it's anxiety and not real hunger, honestly. As soon as my brain starts realizing "Shit I don't get to indulge anymore" it starts having a panic attack and tricks me into craving food that I know I could easily go without.

My body is actually throwing a tantrum when I tell it it can't eat (as much) anymore and it's ridiculous. It gets to the point where chewing gum makes me feel ravenous and I'm so tired of it. I don't even know how to use strength to fight this. I know passed this point is where I become trained and strong but I never know how I manage to get passed my body's anxiety.

My stomach acts like it's fucking 12.

I'm starting to slip again

I had an accidental binge and now It's put me into a downward spiral of food, laziness and lard.
I haven't been exercising as much lately, all I've really been doing is tracking my steps and other small things. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to know shopping burned an extra 200 calories but at the same time I've been so upset with myself because I know that I could be doing so much more to better my body.

What's worse is that since I was up for 30 hours all I've been doing is sleeping. I can't keep myself awake no matter how well I sleep or how long I sleep and it's seriously cutting into my work out will power. It stops me from eating because i'm not conscious but that shouldn't be an excuse to just keep sleeping.

I really wish my blog was more public.. I need help. I need advice and I need encouragement. Julie (My Ana buddy) is wonderful at what she does but the time zone differences can be a little hindering at random hours of the day/night and there isn't anyone in my life that really supports what I do. I have friends that know I'm on a diet but they don't know how extreme it is. Today I had Broccoli, Chicken and Potato soup, a green tea Peace Tea and then later on I had two grilled Quesadillas. Nothing additional. Just cheese in a flower tortilla. My fitness app told me that was far too much for my day because of the quesadillas (I already know my sodium intake went out the window) but I thought I did kind of okay since I had really only eaten twice.

I guess that means that my brain is going back to it's old ways and it's starting to think that what i'm doing is okay when it's not. I should only be eating very VERY low calorie foods and mainly just water. It's easy after 3 days so I can get back in the swing of things but I can't believe one binge could be so devastating to a diet. I need to start writing everything down again. If I can write down the disgusting lard that I ate then maybe it can start becoming real again and I can knock my bullshit off.

I just want to be thin..

My scale broke.

I have two scales but the other one isn't digital and it's usually about 5 pounds or so off and so I'm always unsure about what my weight actually is.

I stepped on my digital scale and the first thing it showed was 250. Well I know I'm definitely not 250 and then it jumped to 'Err'. So I step on it again and it jumps from 230 to 245 and then another 'Err'. Then a third time I step on and it says 241 then immediately 'Err's'. Kill me.

My scale finally crapped out and now I don't know what to do. Weight loss is going to me a massive mound of anxiety until I can get the money for a new one.

My lack of sleeping is destroying my life.

30 hours.
I was awake for 30 hours.

My boyfriend let me sleep until 6pm so I couldn't get close to wanting to sleep until 11am. Then I found out my cousin from Idaho was coming over today so I had to stay awake and see her otherwise I would just get yelled at. Then by the time everyone left it was 2pm so I think "Okay I have 2 hours before Alyssa(my friend) comes over I can totally nap." but whenever I almost fell asleep I got this huge head rush and I didn't fall asleep until 10 minutes before my 4pm alarm went off. Then when Alyssa came over to catch up time completely got away from us and she didn't leave/I couldn't get to Lucas's until 12 and for whatever reason I couldn't sleep until 2am.

Know what's worse? My body craved food for energy at this point and I just kept eating. I felt like such a whale. I'm so fucking fat and gross what is my fucking problem. I just want to get thin, why is that so fucking wrong? Why can't I be happy, too?!

And of course I slept for HOURS and it's 10:30pm and I'm of course not fucking tired. I also have an appointment at noon tomorrow and now I'm going to be exhausted again.

I hate myself right now. And from being up for 30 fucking hours my entire body is in pain because I didnt give it a break.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

Kandi makes for some awesome distraction.

A little more about the Green Tea Goddess, aka. Alex♡

Right next to playing video games, my favourite hobby is raving and I am a huge raver. Pun intended. Not only that, I'm also a kandi kid. To those of you who don't really know what a kandi kid is or even what kandi is: feel free to google it.♡

I recently started doing something called a Plur Package (again, google it) for my friend Brandon in celebration of his restart to raving. Of course I wanted to make it amazing so I decided to make him a black/glow in the dark bio-hazard kandi gas mask. Yes it's as complicated as it sounds, kind of, it's really not that hard. If anything it's extremely time consuming which is AWESOME when you need to distract yourself from food and that's exactly what I've been doing. (The Percocet up my nose is a nice helper, too.)

I haven't weighed myself lately. Why? Because faulty scales are why I have trust issues. My boyfriend's digital glass scale last night read 236.6 and I'm looking at it like.. No.. No I'm not. And then a couple days ago the digital scale at my house said I was 239 (I had a binge...) so I don't know what to believe. I'm going to fast for 18 hours and after I go to the bathroom I'm going to weigh myself on both scales and see what they read.

Till then,

- fair winds 

New rule: Don't tell someone you're hungry.

I finally decided it was time to put a little bit of food in my belly, remember those frozen dinners? One was 720 calories and the other one was only 300 but it had over 600mg of sodium. I decided those were a no go (I have no idea how much sodium was in the potato wedges.) so Lucas decided to try and look for something I could eat and progressivly got more frustrated with me because I was coming off as the food wasn't good enough. So I started to feel like shit and settled with just boiling two eggs with a little bit of Salt and Pepper (156) because that seemed like a better choice if I was absolutely going to eat. At least I had the protein.

I'm not saying that Lucas had no right to be frustrated. I was being difficult with the whole food problem but the whole thing could have been avoided if I just hadn't said anything about being hungry. I could have just chugged the Voss water bottle full of my metabolic water and I would have felt equally as full. Instead I decided to bring up food and it turned into a bigger deal than it needed to be..

Looks like that's another reason to just forget about food. It saves you from having drama when there didn't need to be any.

Also I put too much pepper on my eggs and now my tongue is on fire.
I consider this punishment for being fat in the first place.

My birth control tricked me into a binge.

Don't misunderstand. I take full responsibility of my fat habit but some of the blame goes to my randomly fucking up birth control.

I take the Depo shot every few months and I've been on and off of it since I was 18 (23 now) and sometimes it's known to cause a lot of bleeding (some people are just unlucky). I personally had never had that problem, ever, until recently. The passed two days I had been experiencing a lot of dizziness and I was convinced that I was going to pass the fuck out every 10 minutes or so. So every time I felt like that (usually later at night for some reason) I had assumed that my blood sugar was dangerously low so of course my first thought is: "I need to eat something with sugar in it." so two nights in a row I had consumed candy and sweets. Then when it wasnt working still I tarted to get really worried and I called the nurse at the health department. She fucking told me that I was light headed because my body wasn't used to the spotting I had apparently been doing and it had NOTHING to do with my blood sugar.

Now I'm back up to 239 and I'm so fucking mad. Afterwards all I wanted to do was cry because I couldn't handle the thought of me gaining a pound when I didn't even need to. I stuffed my fat fucking mouth with sugar and artificial flavoring because I was scared and now I'm up another pound. So today when I went home from my boyfriend's house I didn't eat anything until dinner.

5 potato wedges, baked, home made, no additives = 200ish (Im guessing)

Now I'm back at my boyfriend's and his mom told us there were two frozen dinners in the freezer saved for us so I've been counting every single calorie I could possible burn (Just burned off another 25 from squats♡) so that if I am required to eat then it wont be detrimental. I just want to get on with my week and get back to losing weight like I'm fucking supposed to. Who knows? I could have been down to 236 if I hadn't spent Saturday and Sunday stuffing my face like a pig.

Way to be, Alexis. You're gonna go far, kid.

I'm about to have a fucking panic attack.

I wanted to go for a walk around the high school track a few times (It's open to the public on weekends) so my boyfriend went with me. It's 19 degrees outside right now though so he got really cold and we only wound up going around the track once.. That's only six minutes of walking (I timed it) and I didn't even burn off 30 calories.. I would have kept walking without him but he's the one with the car so we stopped early.

Then afterwards he wanted to go to Sorbenots (It's a coffee place in Oregon. Kind of like Starbucks but it's actually good) and so I got a sugar-free iced chai tea.. I have no idea how many calories are in it and my calorie tracker app doesn't have it on the list because Sorbenots isn't a well known place. There's only 4 of them in the entire state and they're only in Oregon. Usually I can handle a few blind calories but today I just couldn't take it. I was sitting in the car trying not to cry because I didn't want to gain more weight. I've been doing so well and I don't want to fuck that up. I only have a month to fit into my green skirt to wear to Radcon this year and I can't afford to just consume blind calories. And of fucking course the only treadmill in the house is in his mom's room and it would be weird if I was just walking/jogging for hours while she sat on her computer. We're close enough that it wouldn't be weird to her but I just feel so self conscious.

Soon I'll have a bike upstairs (the one with the fancy reclined seats) so I can burn some serious extra calories but for today I'm terrified. What if I get back on the scale and it says I went back to 239? I was so proud of my 238. I just want to get down to 237.. That's the next number I want to see.

I won't eat tonight. That's the only thing I can do to balance this bullshit out. Tomorrow I have a Skyrim&Tea date with my friend Kaiden and she isn't much of an eater either so I can get away with not eating while she's over without her asking questions. Plus I get to play Skyrim with PWI with a friend so that's something to look forward to..

Sigh. Why do I have to be such a whale...?

I decided to be overly brave and weigh myself before bed.

And not on an empty stomach.

It was a wonderful idea. I weighed in at 239! I'm 9 pounds from my first goal weight!
I'm so excited that I could explode. I was 245 on Sunday. That 6 pounds in 6 days!

GAH!

Well it was almost a good calorie day.

I almost wrote "It was almost a good day" but I felt the need to rephrase. Today was fairly decent and lazy. Mainly just napping and playing video games with my boyfriend.

Here's what my food journal says:

Breakfast: -

Lunch:

• 1/3 Green Tear Peace Tea (50)

Dinner:

• 1 Lightly Salted rice cake (35)
• 1 Apple Cinnamon rice cake (50)
• Bourbon Chicken Hungry Man dinner (600)

(As of right now)
Burned off calories: 270

Overall intake = 465

That sounds good and looks even better but I feel so fat today. I can't stand it. I'm fighting every will in my body to purge the dinner since I didn't eat it very long ago. Less than an hour.
I want to go on a walk and burn off some of this fat I just consumed but it's a whopping 20 degrees outside and I don't have enough layers to even make it remotely comfortable. Not to mention my area at night isn't very welcoming to a girl by herself. Or maybe it's too welcoming. Either way, it's a no go.

I found a fun aerobics dance work out that's supposed to go for 30 minutes but I wind up hurting myself by 15. I have NO balance lol I am the queen of clumsy. But any exercise is better than no exercise and I have some whale blubber to burn off.

- fair winds